Rich Beyond Our Wildest Dreams

In the high-stakes world of start-ups, one bad meeting might feel like the end of the world—but imagine if your pitch flopped so bad that you triggered an unimaginable, nightmarish cataclysm? RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS by Ben Firke explores that exact situation through the story of Colby Bates, the founder of a high-tech energy drink company.

Told in the form of a floundering VC pitch, RBOWD is a three-part deconstruction of the futility of creative labor in Capitalism. This one-ish man show breaks the fifth, sixth, and seventh walls with audience participation, psychedelic visuals and yes, even puppetry, for a fluid, form-bending performance that’s never the same twice.

The following is an excerpt of RBOWD. The play will be performed at The Tank in New York City from November 16th through 26th. 

[We join our hero, Colby Bates, in the middle of his pitch to potential investors for Slaps Energy. He is projecting a deck. The current slide is of a hideous, AI-generated energy drink can. It looks EXTREME.]

COLBY

I commissioned some artwork from Adam Panzer. 
He’s going to be huge, trust me, he’s a get
And we’re gonna sell these images as NFTs
And everyone who gets one unlocks a special subscriber tier
Like they get the NFT, and then we get their data,
And then they get free daily deliveries of fuckin’ Slaps Bespoke
Not like, free drinks, they still have to buy them
But no charge daily delivery
Like the milkman. Yeah. Like the milkman. 
I’m bringing back the fucking MILKMAN. 
But he’s gonna look awesome as shit. 
He’s gonna drive a convertible 
With subwoofers in the trunk that rattle your house
And he’s gonna pull up at your house 
With the fucking elixir of the gods
And hold out this beautiful silver van
And then you drink it
And then you win. You get it?
This will be the fuel of every great scientific discovery 
They’ll be drinking this to stay awake on the Mars Shuttle
The president has to fly to China overnight, what’s he gonna do? 
Fucking Folgers? 
No! He’s gonna crack open a cool Slaps Energy—

[Colby cracks open a cool Slaps Energy]

Just like anyone else
Just like any other red blooded American.

[Colby chugs it in one sip and crushes the can]

You’re gonna see Slaps on the sidelines of every Super Bowl
We’ll engineer ways to prevent concussions
A PR win and a boon for humanity
Because people won’t feel bad about the players’ brains
Turning into mush in their skulls. We’d fix it
We’d fix it all. ADHD? Easy.
Ever try to get an Adderall script? 
It’s like applying for citizenship in Monaco.
If you have SLAPS, you can skip all of that. 
You just focus.

Excerpt continues below

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About THE SUBSTANCE

Demi Moore gives a career-best performance as Elisabeth Sparkle, a former A-lister past her prime and drawn to the opportunity presented by a mysterious new drug. All it takes is one injection and she is reborn – temporarily – as the gorgeous, twentysomething Sue (Margaret Qualley).

The only rule? Time needs to be split: exactly one week in one body, then one week in the other. No exceptions. Easy, right?

Deliriously entertaining and ruthlessly satirical, Coralie Fargeat’s explosive Cannes sensation is a be-careful-what-you-wish-for fable for the ages.

[Colby chugs a second Slaps Energy. He looks a bit woozy for a second, but continues ranting at the assembled investors.]

COLBY

Addiction? Put methodone in it, I don’t fucking care.
Obesity? Are you kidding? There isn’t a grain of sugar in any of these!
Every shitty ailment that health insurance doesn’t cover?
This fixes it. We make the American people healthy and sane
And what does that mean? More efficiency and productivity
Higher profits throughout the economy
All your other investments? They get that boost too
Your employees? They’re going to be the best little minions you could ask for!
They’ll be happier than rats in a fucking Skinner Box
Poking at the different colored buttons
Until they’re rewarded with food pellets.
Don’t you get it? 
I am trying to help humanity
But I am also trying to help you.
Specifically all of you! 
I know you hate to talk in these crude terms,
Crass disgusting gutter language,
The “Hard R…”  
But I’ll say it: you could be even rrrrrrrrrrrrrrricherrr. 
Let me help you.
I am trying so hard to help you
I swear to almighty God
I am trying to make us rich beyond our wildest dreams.
And I am going to succeed or I will fucking die trying. 
Because I live for this shit
This shit right here, these pitches
Staying up all night making my little decks
Practicing all my little jokes and one liners
This is my life, right here
Convincing a bunch of cowards to take initiative
To seize the fucking carpe diem
And hop onboard the gravy train
Choooo fucking choooooooooo.

[Silence]

I put God in a can! Don’t you get it?
Creation
Destruction
It’s all in there! Take it!
Take the chance!
Surely, you can see what all the others could not. 
This drink is the future.
This company is the future. 
I AM the future. 
That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? See the future? 
Bless the ascendent masters of technology with your cash?
Well, this is it! I’m holding it! The brave new world you allegedly want
Available in 6, 12, and 24-packs
And still you can’t see it?
Are all of you frauds? Are you just empty suit charlatans who faked your way in here?You yes-men. You hacks.
It’s an energy drink that will help you transcend the mediocrity of the flesh
It’s a fucking miracle
IT WILL MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE!
I still believe that a product, a service, a brand 
Can improve the lives of people!
Tangible material and vibes-based improvements are possible!
If we make millions of lives better, that sends out a ripple of good vibes
Healthy, happy people, more productive, more present in the moment
A nation of spotless minds, polished to perfection
Achieving with total clarity.
I believe that’s possible. I believe we can make it happen
As long as you don’t give up
I’m doing my part here. I’m handing you progress on a silver platter. 
Remember who you are. Your whole raison d’etre and shit.
When did you stop believing?
I am asking you to believe again.
Believe in the future. Believe in our power to shape the future.  
Believe in God.
In a can.

[Holds up can.]

Say amen?

OR DIE TRYING 🤑